*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Oops
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Try and stop me.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.