Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
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I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Taking phone security to the next level.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.