“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
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The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I enjoy a good short stor
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab