therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge