Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
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ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Feels like there should be a middle ground
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Who wants to be my Valentine?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”