Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
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[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Bruh PLEASE
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.