Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
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hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.