Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
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I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
🍛
Weirdly Wednesday.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Pickled cat.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something