student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Life hack
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.