I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
You Might Also Like
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.