I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
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I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
thank god
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”