Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
You Might Also Like
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
She: I like Cats
He:
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
that lip filler tho
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread