nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
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Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”