[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
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me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I found your tweet-up…
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky