Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
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*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.