her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
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“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
🙁
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.