My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …