remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Oops I deleted….
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
as is their right
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.