kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
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Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.