SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
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My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Don’t make me out nice you.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.