Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
FINE, I WON’T.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.