stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
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Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
The struggle is real.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him