I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok