I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
You Might Also Like
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund