I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
You Might Also Like
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
How can I say no to this ?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???