ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
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Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again