Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
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1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
eggs benadryl
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.