Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
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You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.