280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
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finally found a reasonable question
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes