The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL