School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Very problematic
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs