Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
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me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Art by Pastelkatto
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”