me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
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Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand