Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
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Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.