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ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i鈥檓 wind chimes
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I鈥檝e been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he鈥檚 here
Me: 馃槼
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don鈥檛 know, I would miss them so much
Cartoons made it seem like I鈥檇 be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it鈥檚 only happened to me three times.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SE脩OR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it鈥檚 called Panic Attack
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate