Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
You Might Also Like
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”