Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
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Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.