do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Acronyms got me like WTF?
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?