due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
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What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake