One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
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I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”