There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
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Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake