Who called it baking and not making love
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I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
who did the taste test?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.