My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
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GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me