When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.