doing your own taxes
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For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’