Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔