Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
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Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.