I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
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I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Sorry not sorry.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Don’t snitch tag.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song