My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
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Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.