One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
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Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist